Category Archives: Practical Dialogue Tips

After going through the fire of 3,000+ conversations with pro-choice people, we’ve learned a lot of things that create an environment in the conversation where the other person is more likely to change their mind. These are some of those nitty-gritty dialogue tips.

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Don’t Be Too Nice

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This post is adapted from a newsletter I wrote while on staff with Justice For All.

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes.

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“Gracious confrontation” is not a contradiction in terms; it is an essential part of mastering the art of good dialogue. I learned this in April of 2014 at a Justice For All outreach after two conversations in one day showed me that sometimes mere “niceness” isn’t helpful.

My friend Holly and I were having a very polite and productive dialogue with a pro-choice student when I noticed another student named Jeff. He had been trying (unsuccessfully) to subtly eavesdrop on our conversation. When I invited Jeff to join the conversation and share his thoughts, the tone of the discussion immediately changed.  He very confidently espoused a worldview marked by moral relativism, and he denounced everything Holly and I had said as ridiculous.

Back in my high school days, I was rude and pushy in conversations about abortion, so in my first few years of full-time ministry, I erred too heavily on the side of being polite. As I asked Jeff questions and very politely tried to engage him, he continually cut me off and met my politeness with aggression.

I decided to try something different.

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Question: What Would Be a Better Word Than “Abortionist”?

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I’d like to host a discussion in the comments below. The question is: what would be a better word to use than “abortionist”?

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes.
I imagine the discussion going a little bit like this, except it will be online and it won't be a stock photo.

I imagine the discussion going a little bit like this, except it will be online and it won’t be a stock photo.

UPDATE 7/13/15: There’s been lots of great discussion in the comments, from both sides of the debate, exactly what I was hoping for! My conclusion at this point is that “abortion practitioner” does the best job of not being rude and also not removing all stigma from abortion, both things I think are important. You can also read my thoughts on how we ought to think of “shame” as it relates to this discussion here.

We’ve talked a lot about language choices we make and our dislike of labels like “pro-life” and “pro-choice,” because people are more complicated than the labels we give them. Having said that, sometimes using labels is necessary, especially when writing.

Our general principle is that we try to use neutral terms, at least in public articles and at the beginning of our conversations with pro-choice people. The goal is to avoid hurdles that distract us from the most important questions in the abortion debate, what are the unborn and how should we treat them?

So you’ll notice even in this post as well as the rest of this blog, much to some pro-lifer’s great frustration, we use the term “pro-choice” when we need to use a label, as opposed to a more derogatory label like “pro-abortion” or “pro-abort.” I don’t think those labels are helpful nor accurately descriptive of most people on the abortion rights side of the debate.

“Abortionist” is a word that never seemed offensive to us, but others have recently said it is to them. This is a problem because needlessly offensive words can distract from the important questions of the debate. Any time we’ve used that term we haven’t been trying to be rude. We would like to find a better word for the medical practitioner who performs the abortion that is less offensive but still clear enough that people know what we mean when we say it.

For example, one common phrase is “abortion provider,” but that seems too vague. Planned Parenthood is an abortion provider. We’re trying to find the best word for the person who carries out the abortion. Help us out in the comments below.

As always, I want to hear opinions from both pro-life and pro-choice people, so a quick reminder about our comments policy: I will be deleting snarky and disrespectful comments.

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A Response to My Facebook Newsfeed Today

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If you’re unhappy about the supreme court decision, be a gracious loser, no need to be over the top and hassle people who disagree with you. If you’re happy about the supreme court decision, be a gracious winner, no need to be over the top and hassle people who disagree with you.

Facebook is a weird phenomenon with incredible power to make kind, reasonable people come off as very unkind and very unreasonable. Arguing in that kind of context has, in my humble opinion, a pretty low probability of substantively changing people’s minds. When my mind changes on things, it happens in a combination of reading books and having many face-to-face conversations.

That doesn’t mean no one should ever argue about politics on facebook, but most people shouldn’t because most people are terrible at it and they just shame themselves. I’m in that camp by the way. I get riled up, I end up having turf to defend, and I become something I don’t want to be, something very different from how I talk to people in person.

To anyone who wants to argue about politics on facebook anyway: please be very, very intentional about when and how you do that. Try very, very hard to be exactly who you are in person. Read your post out loud before you post it and delete it if it doesn’t sound like you. If you wouldn’t look a friend who disagrees with you right in the eyes and say it out loud, you will probably regret posting it.